The Fattest Loser does Zumba!


Last Saturday there was a Zumba fundraiser for Malia. Since I am the king of weight-loss, the girls thought it might be funny for me to Zumba with them. Well they were right because it was hilarious! I invited every guy I knew who had a little girl to go with me. I figured they would be ashamed not to go because they had daughters too, and they maybe could relate to the pain the family was going through...WRONG! Not one of those heartless, flea-bitten varmints showed up. Shame on them. I was there by my fat self with 60 women in spandex. On second thought, that was awesome! Zumba is all about shakin' what your momma gave ya, and the ladies didn't disappoint. So next time guys when el tubbo invites you, get your butts off of the couch and Zumba!

Now for the play by play...

The first thing you need to know about Zumba is that you need at least a tiny amount of dance skill. The first couple of routines weren't bad. I felt like I was going to make it through ok, but when she kicked it into overdrive I couldn't keep up. Her butt was shaking like Chubby Checker on crack. My fat behind just wasn't made to wiggle like that. I feel sorry for the poor ladies behind me, that must have been an awful sight. (There is video on my facebook page. Not for the feint of heart).

I thought it was going to be an hour class, but at the two hour mark the instructor says "let's do two more songs!". To my credit I didn't drop dead at least not until I got home where no one could see me. I don't know how these girls do it, this crap was killing me and I work out all of the time. If this had been four months ago they would have had to call the paramedics to start my heart again and put out the fire that my inner thighs had started. I lost 2.5 lbs that day and most of that was dignity but I can still hold my head higher than my loser buddies who didn't show. Maybe the reason I couldn't move properly was the enormous balls it took to do it in the first place!

Before and After warming up the crowd...

If I was a Mormon, this is what it would look like!...





Being an Internet Celebrity Has It's Perks.


I went to party and people could not believe how much less of a fatass I am. I definitely get more hugs since I have thinned out a bit


Day 147 - 10/6/2011

The Fatboy is back! Only 27 lbs between me and everlasting glory. I have 55 days left to lose it but at the rate I'm going I'll be eating Thanksgiving dinner instead of celery!

I lost 73 lbs and I still look like a Jenny Craig Reject.


Performance 360 to The Rescue!


Since my 50 pound challenge from the Boston Whaler began I have lost a total of 10 pounds. This would be great if it didn't take my fat ass 25 days to do it. I have 61 days to lose the remaining 40 pounds. Little Malia is fighting cancer like a champ, I'm losing weight to raise money for her and I can't put down the cupcakes for 2 seconds. Man do I suck.

Many people might say that it's damn near impossible to lose 40 pounds in 2 months, but in my first 60 days I lost 37 pounds. This is gonna be close, like that time on the Interstate when I had Taco Bell and couldn't find an exit with a public crapper.

My stupid gym going out of business knocked me for a loop. I had to get into a new routine and despite what the experts say about changing things up, I did not get better results. Only ten pounds in 25 days, Richard Simmons could do that without even getting his sparkly underpants sweaty.

A good friend of mine took pity on my blubbery dilemma and called Chase Kough, the owner of the Performance 360 fitness facility. He invited me to use his gym free of charge for the Fattest Loser Fundraiser. That in itself is super cool because the only thing free at my old gym was the complimentary water fountain. I took a tour where I met Steven Cerenzio, one of their trainers, who showed me one hell of a fat burning workout. I had been using weights and treadmills at my old place, so I was a little skeptical when he handed me 20 feet of 2" rope and said whip this up over your head and smack the floor while doing a squat at the same time. I looked like I was driving a stagecoach whipping that rope up and down. After 60 seconds I felt like I had been pulling a stagecoach full of fat chicks up hill. He showed me a few exercises that proceeded to kick what ass I had left. Just when I thought we were through he introduced me to the ladder treadmill. They have one of these on that show "The biggest loser", and now I know how those colossal lard-asses drop so much weight.  I did one whole minute on that thing and I felt like my soul was leaving my body. I could almost hear it saying "you're on your own, fatso!" In 30 minutes time I had a more intense workout than 3 hours at the old place.

This is what I looked like leaving the gym!

So now I have a gym, a new workout plan, and 60 days to kick the Boston Whaler's flabby butt to win this challenge for Malia! With Performance 360's help, I know I can do it.



Survival of the Fattest!


Yours Truly, the Fattest Loser, has been challenged to a weight loss competition! This is exactly what I needed to get my butt in gear for the last fifty pounds I have to lose.
The challenger does not want to give his name out on the internet which gives me a disadvantage because the balls it takes to do what I do weigh at least ten pounds!
So until he mans up we will call him the Boston Whaler.
The Boston Whaler ways in at 316 pounds at the time of this writing I weigh 277 pounds. The first one to drop 50 will be declared the all time champion of fat burning! The loser pays 100 dollars to Malia's charity fund.
I won't have to worry about paying any money because I am going to beat him like a rented mule.

So stay tuned folks, this is going to get interesting

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